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Domestic Violence is Uncomfortable

Updated: Feb 21, 2022

Photo: Pixabay

Would you ask someone who just had a miscarriage or cancer why didn’t they take better care of themselves?” My guess is that you would not. So, you shouldn’t ask someone who is being abused, ‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ Unless you have experienced either, you cannot intelligently comment or understand the complexities involved.

Abusive people can often be charming, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Victims of abuse almost never actually realize that they are being abused until months or years have gone by. When they do understand that they are being abused the first reaction is often self-blame. Then it goes to tiptoeing around the abuser to not make him or her angry. Figuring out how to leave is just as confusing as accepting that it has happened in the first place.

Abuse takes various shapes and forms. Often in confusing and alarming ways. Mental and emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse. Bruises heal but words and feelings stay with us for much longer. Do you think that he/she wanting to know where you are every second was cute? It may not be abuse but it is definitely unhealthy. Sudden flashes of anger, name calling, bullying, or isolation from friends or family are all red flags. They are telling you to R-U-N.

Most times it’s not as “simple” as just leaving. Leaving is often the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse, because abuse is about power and control. When a victim leaves, they are taking control and challenging the abuser’s power. A victim learning could cause the abuser to violently retaliate. Abusers feel as if his or her victims are their property so they will try to destroy them so no one else can have them.

Reasons why victims stay:

Fear: I was afraid that me and/or our daughter would be killed if my ex knew we were leaving. We planned for nine months to safely escape. When I realized that we had to leave I was terrified but was more scared of staying with him.

Believing Abuse is Normal: I never knew what a healthy relationship looked like. I didn’t recognize that my relationship was unhealthy until it was too late.

Low Self-Esteem: I had a dysfunctional relationship with my mother, so I had low self-esteem growing up. My ex was a lot like my mother, which made me feel like the behavior was normal.

Love: So often, the victim feels love for their abusive partner. I thought I loved him but that was impossible because I didn’t love myself. All that mattered to me was that I wanted to maintain my family. Some victims think that being hit is a sign of love. PLEASE help me change that view.

According to an October 26, 2019 USA Today article (click the link below) a week without domestic violence around the world would mean:

  • 487,500,000 women would not be subjected to domestic violence

  • 209,625,000 women would not report both physical and sexual violence

  • The children of 380,250,000 women would not see their mothers abused

Once I learned to love myself, I knew that I had to leave in order to save my life. I got the f#@% out, and so can you. Let me show you how.

I wrote How to Get the F#@% Out, A Step-By-Step Guide to Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship to help victims become survivors. $5 from the sale of each books goes toward helping victims escape.

If you are questioning if it’s abuse, it’s time for a very necessary conversation. Learn the language to find out if your relationship has crossed over from healthy into unhealthy or abusive.

For more information or to find ways you can help, please email

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